Hiding the True Self

We can’t hide our true self.  Well at least not forever.  As much as we often pile over ourselves all manner of disguises to make ourselves appear different to the outside world, underneath it all we are truly ourselves.

What does that mean anyway?  I have a tendency to start with a concept like this and end up diving into the uttermost deepest details in search of that little detail, that pearl of wisdom that will illuminate the whole thing.  But sometimes this rigor can be quite tedious to the casual observer.  In other words – its boring!

But I want to share a story that happened recently that illustrated this point.  As I have pointed out previously, I began drawing again.  I feel like I’m at AA now: 

Hi Everyone.  My name’s Sven and I’m a drawaholic.  I’m addicted to drawahol. 

I guess there are worse things to be addicted to.  OK I digress – but when I draw, I like having an idea of what I am drawing.  I have been practicing a little bit with people and critters, but I really like drawing concept pieces.  I start with a concept and then I slowly draw the picture out.  It takes a while really.

Well, one of my first new concept pieces was very illustrative of the journey that I’m currently on: jobbing to unjobbing.  So, the picture was rather simple in concept but ballooned in terms of material.

The drawing would simply be a guy looking out from his cube into a fantastical land.  There is a knight looking out over a hill that has a view of a lake and a mountain in the distance.  I put in other vegetation and trees and all sorts of stuff – lots of detail to train myself to take drawing things slow.  I was taking the time to draw each individual leaf of the trees and each individual rock that the viewer sees so much so that I got bogged into the details and completely forgot about the concept.

Anyway, I was working on this at work to help alleviate some analytical fatigue, until suddenly my neighbor appears.

“Hey Sven, sooo…the problem with…” he started and went on into something about work.  Completely taken off guard I turned and listened.  Then all of a sudden – “Oh wow, did you draw that?” and he picks my picture up.  I was partially obscuring it, but he managed to notice it and got to it before I knew anything about it.  At first, I didn’t mind it because – hey, I was drawing trees.  Who doesn’t do that from time to time?

But I felt a little embarrassed.  People don’t usually draw.  Normal people who work normal jobs and live normal lives do not draw - normally.  I’ve told this to myself many times in my subconscious, but here I am being not normal again.  “Wow this is pretty good,” he admitted.  “Is this you over here,” he said pointing to an obvious caricature of myself. 

That’s when I felt really embarrassed.  Somewhat inadvertently, but nonetheless deliberate, I had made myself the day dreamer in the picture.  Worse yet – and this was not pointed out – I had strapped him to the chair as a symbolic prisoner to the “real” world.

I couldn’t (and didn’t) say anything intelligible at that point.

Then, to make things worse, the commotion (which I didn’t think that it was that big of a commotion) attracted the attention of my boss, who happened to be walking by my cube at the time.  She suddenly appeared and looked on at what the hubbub was about.

To my semi-relief, she also looked at it in awe and made the same observation about my caricature.  “So, is this guy wanting to leave and be a knight?”  I turned red as a radish in silence.  My neighbor and my boss went back and forth about a couple of things, but definitely came to the conclusion that the cube guy was me.  Did they see him strapped in?  Did they get the symbolism?

I was honored that they appreciated what I had drawn, or noticed that I had talent.  Or at least that it was deemed “good”.  But I felt almost apologetic that I let my true self come through.  That I was caught drawing, but moreover, depicted in obvious overtones that I want out.

But why embarrassed?  I don’t know.  Was I judging them?  Was I judging my job?  No on both, but I think that it could be construed that way.  How could I explain myself other than, I really don’t feel like I am this person that you think that you know.  This really would be easier if I was unjobbing!

I think the point of this whole thing is that we have to recognize that there is a true self in all of us, and that we will be happiest when we are true to that self and the world recognizes that.

God bless,

Sven