Memorial Day

Hi Everyone!

Ok - this is an apology to my five blog readers out there.  Today is Memorial Day and I have been busy doing other things besides the blog.  So, today EYKIW will be taking the holiday as well.

I promise that I will have something for you guys by Friday to read and Wednesday has a promising doodle.

A big thank you to all of the US service men and women who have served!

God bless!

Sven

Materialism Thought Expeirment: My Take

Here it is 6:15 am on the day that I need a post.  So bombs away!

I said last time that I would throw some thoughts out there on the thought experiment and what it means for me.  In 15 minutes…actually 14 minutes now…that means it will be largely unedited and a bit like a stream of consciousness at times.

The first thing to hit me when thinking of getting plucked from my life now and placed somewhere in the middle of nowhere is that I would not be anxious about losing my stuff.  In fact, I look forward to paring down to just the necessities.  But then at that point, I start to become anxious.

As much as I tout myself as being unmaterialistic, I do lean on materials to be happy or achieve a purpose.  For example, my computer.  Do you know how long it would take to write this post with a stick in the Gobi desert?  To be honest, I don’t really care so much about this particular computer, but the hours of music that I have written and recorded, two books that I have written, and countless other intangible goods of mine are on here.  And they all haven’t achieved their purpose.

Which gets to the heart of my anxiety: I am most anxious about not fulfilling my purpose.  I have this grand scheme of what my purpose is, or at least what I think that it should look like.  I need to have a way to be creative for the betterment of humanity – or so I think.

Then I think through this thought.  I am Catholic, and I believe that all things occur within God’s Will.  Either His Ordaining Will, which is where God explicitly states what should be done, or His Permissive Will, the route where evil is allowed to exist in the
world by us persisting in our sin.  An act of transporting me out of where I am into Mongolia, would be an act of God’s Ordaining Will.  So, some relief that I get from my anxiety is that God is there; I am not alone.  And in so being, there is some purpose for me to be in Mongolia herding pigs (I’m a pork guy).   Even if that purpose is for me to become fully detached from the things of this world, including what I initially considered my purpose of existence was.

In the end, we all die.  We all have to leave this behind.  How much easier it is for our souls to fly to the next life if we are not attached to this planet!  Because even if we live for a purpose, in the grand scheme of things, it will not amount to anything.  Only what we do to help others and amplify God’s goodness in humanity will matter – but even that, credit is not usually given to us on earth.  Any reward will be in heaven.

OK….whew.  Done.  I’m going to load this in for Svetlana to review!

God bless,

Sven

Doodles from the Cube, 15th ed.

Guest Art: Doodles from the Cell

Svetlana and I are pen pals with a prison inmate through the Christian Pen Pals Ministry.  His name is Mike, and he drew these pictures which he included in a recent letter to us.  We've been blessed through this ministry and highly recommend writing to a prison pen pal.  We were amazed at the level of gratitude and loneliness expressed in the letters we receive.  Just a few minutes of our time each week, writing a simple letter, makes such a difference to these fellow human beings who are desperate for communication from "normal" people out in the real world.  It also helps us focus on our many blessings which we often, sadly, take for granted.

The Bonds of Materialism

I was thinking on this stuff this weekend when I made up a little thought experiment.  You want to play?  Read on!

Consider if all of a sudden you were plucked from life as you know it and were dropped in the middle of Mongolia to herd sheep.  Or pigs if you prefer.  You would live in a small yurt and your day would consist only of your herding duties with your sheep.  Or pigs.  What would you feel?

How would you feel not having your bed to sleep in at night?  Or your normal food?  Or any of the modern conveniences such as a phone, internet, modern plumbing, or fifty-three changes of clothes with matching shoes?  How would you feel not having the modern materialistic world around us?

Think about money.  How would you feel not having a cent to buy whatever you want or need?  What about making do with just what you have?  Entertainment as you know it would be gone – no movies, out-to-eat, or concerts.  Even the concept of paper to write on would be too far-fetched.  How would you feel?  Think about being desolately poor.

What about friends and family?  Could you leave them behind?  Would you miss them?

What about work?  That promotion that you were working for is not happening.  That book you are writing?  No one will read it.  The music in your head will be silent – can you leave these goals behind?

I might be off the mark, but I think that most of us would be anxious considering this prospect.  How could we cope?  We’ve gotten used to it and we’ve assumed that it will always be here.

Consider this – we are just as human as every other human in the world.  There are some people who live exactly like I described above.  No modern convenience - life is consumed with survival and making do with the meager materials that they have.  There is little thought to amusement, entertainment, what feels good, what tastes good and the like.  But unlike us, who are bound to modernity, they are free.

So what am I getting at?  Well the first thing is, I need to do a blog post or else I’ll forget how to do one.  It’s been over a week since I finished one.  OK – besides that, my point is that we have imprisoned ourselves with our hubris and our modern lifestyle.  Our modern lifestyle is consumed with materialism, consumerism, and the pursuit of wealth.  We need the latest gadgets and toys, we need to have expensive cars and houses, and we need to grab as much cash as we can.  The harder we hold onto these things, the tighter our bonds become.  We are no longer free to help others.  We are no longer free to contemplate God.  We are no longer able to become the people that God wants us to be.

As for our hubris, consider how much of our lives are tied to vulnerable infrastructure.  Consider how crippled our society is when the power is out during a one-in-five year storm.  Consider how much energy is spent on acquiring money that can in an instant become as useful as toilet paper.  Do we know what would happen to our digital world during a hyper intensive solar storm? Consider that we have only had our level of technology for a couple of decades.  The sun has been around for four and a half billion years.  Do you think that we know every kind of radiation that the sun can throw at us like a one-in-a-million year event occurs?  It is within the realm of possibility that the modern world as we know it can collapse almost instantly, and we all will be forced to herd sheep.  Or pigs.

Now consider standing on the precipice of life, just about ready to die.  That is about the same as the thought experiment – we lose everything that we have lived for.  All those goals that we had will be left unfinished.  All of our wealth will be gone.  Whatever reputation that we had will be washed away in the ocean of time and we will be forgotten.  When all of that is taken away, is there anything left of us?  Can we let go at that point and take the plunge?

The point of this exercise was to identify how materialism is binding to our souls.  We can be called at a moment’s notice to drop everything and do something drastic; do something wonderful – but we can’t if follow through if we are bound.

I could probably write about several aspects of this thought experiment, but I think that I am going to stop here.  I have some thoughts about my situation that actually helped me to move forward in this journey.  I will hopefully share that with you all next Friday.

God bless,

Sven

Doodles from the Cube, 14th ed.

Sometimes doodling happens at the dinner table, on a scrap piece of paper that one of our toddlers had previously scrawled across.  There's no right or wrong way to be creative.

Of Frogs and Boiling Water

I had a couple of ideas hit me today between my shower and when I was supposed to be concentrating on my rosary on the way in to work today.  So what should I write about…eeny-meeny-miney….MOE - Frog in the hot water.  Sheesh, like that hasn’t been done to death.  Oh well, let’s do this thing!

First off, a bit of background.  The frog in hot water boils down to this (pun totally intended):  if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out.  Because the frog is cold blooded, the difference in the internal temperature and external temperature is so disparate that the frog knows something is wrong and jumps out.  However, if you put a frog in room temperature water (or cold water) and then slowly heat the water, the frog will eventually cook itself to death.  Basically the frog slowly raises the internal temperature to match the outside until it gets to the point that the outside temperature causes mortal damage to the frog.  Hope you like frog legs.

Anywho – I know that most people are familiar with that image, but I wanted to illustrate it.  In pop culture references, we use this often for individuals that slowly start sliding into dangerous behavior and addictions.  I usually hear it applied to a single person and it’s a good analogy. 

But I am thinking of humanity as the frog and the world as the water.  Well, basically, western society.  Maybe just American society.  I don’t know, I can only really speak about what I have seen and extrapolate.

Consider how far we have come in the last century and a half.  For the US, that is right after the Civil War.  Back then, most folks had to work hard, morning to night, just to survive.  Vacations and holidays were not nearly as prevalent as they are today, and the idea of saving for retirement was not even on their radar.  Because radar wasn’t invented.

Think about conveniences invented since then:  refrigerators, cars, and better housing.  Think of the infrastructure in roads, power plants, airports, and seaports.  Machines have helped us to do more work in less time.  Not only that, but it’s much cheaper too.  As a society, we’ve developed surplus in our bank accounts and institutions that wasn’t around back in the late 1800s.  We have more mental stimulation through fantastic machines than they ever thought was possible.  We are flush with material wealth that is far beyond the comprehension of the third world.

I think that technology is fantastic and can make our lives better.   But our natural human tendency towards evil takes these great tools and rather furthers evil in the world.  Television in itself is not evil.  But our tendency to put on more and more salacious shows to get ratings is.  There are so many flashing lights and loud noises, that we have been reduced in our capacity to reason beyond sensory stimulation.  Even our ability to socialize is limited in depth to text or video through our machines.

The world, through our own doing, heats up and we the frog are becoming mortally damaged by trying to keep up.

Again, technology is not the problem.  In fact, I think that with good discipline, all of the technology that is available can complement a good, healthy, and holy life.  Just because pornography enjoys (pun not intended…ugh!) a large portion of the internet, the internet should not be shut down. 

Technology has nothing to do with it.  Kingdoms and Empires have risen and fallen over history numerous times.  Consider them as frog cadavers floating in once boiling water.  Take the Roman Empire.  No one at the time thought that Rome would fall.  It was huge and wealthy, not unlike the west or specifically the United States.  But in the end it did.  Increased material wealth leads to complacency, idleness, which then gives plenty of opportunity for our hands to do evil.  We indulge in pleasures and sensory stimulation to pass the time with little thought to the needs of many who do not have enough to survive.

What would happen instead, if we gave that wealth away so that someone could get what they need to survive?  That would take away a huge temptation for us to self-indulge and help someone else survive.  This voluntary poverty by those who are blessed materially, would be a tremendous boon to just overall wellbeing in the world and keep the “heat” down on the water that we are swimming in.  Could this solve the world’s problems?  Maybe, but I’m not optimistic.  Anything to do with voluntary poverty has to be that – voluntary.  Only when we do it because we want to choose this, do we fully achieve charity.  Involuntary poverty is basically socialism which has been shown not to work.  Why?  Because the people with wealth love their wealth and the people who receive the wealth just feel entitled to it, rather than grateful for the sacrifice that was made.  The idea of socialism is based on a truth: we need to share.  But the vehicle was hijacked by people with less than pure intentions.

Oh good gravy, I have made a mess of this post.  Hopefully I left something in there to think about.  For me….mmmmm….frog legs…

God bless,

Sven

Musings on Marriage

I've been thinking about marriage recently.  One reason is that this is the month of Svetlana's and my thirteenth wedding anniversary.  Another is that my sister is getting married in October and there is a lot of excitement in our family about it.  I guess thinking about both of them, I do a little bit of comparing and contrasting of what I think of marriage versus the modern view of marriage.  It is a stark difference.

I’m actually not going to dive into a why I think that I am right and that the world is wrong, but rather write about blessings that I’ve seen in my thirteen years that really made the marriage stronger and made it work.

I think one blessing was that we got married young.  How young?  Well, not in our teens, but just barely out of them.  I wasn’t able to legally drink!  Furthermore, I wasn’t done with college and Svetlana had just graduated with her four year degree (completed in three years!).  Neither of us had a job.  I had saved up a grand total of $3,000 dollars from my work as a karate instructor and lunch money my parents gave me.  That is all we had in the bank account.

We were lucky that the apartment complex gave us three months free rent.  The first month was practically a waste because we moved stuff in but lived with our parents.  It was empty of people until after the wedding.  I think that was another blessing because it meant that we started the marriage off by figuring things out together.

Consider: no job, no experience living on our own, only $3,000 to keep us afloat until Svetlana finds a job (we agreed that she would be working while I focused on finishing my degree).  We had to work together to figure this whole life thing out.  Before the wedding, we were best friends and talked about all sorts of stuff together, but it wasn’t the same as the intimacy of having to share the same fears together and fight together.  Only young lovers would be so foolish!  I would say if it wasn’t for that foolishness, things wouldn’t be going as well as they are now.  Things weren’t always peachy as it is always a transition learning to live with someone, but I would say it would be much harder coming from a fully independent life into married life.  There was much less that I had to let go of; I wasn’t set in my ways.  Neither was Svetlana.

Within a month, Svetlana found a job and I went to summer school.  We prayed about what I was going to do for a job when I got out of school.  At first I was thinking of being a teacher, but after a novena to St. Anthony, I started looking at being an actuary.  The fall came and I began my last year of school.

Then we did our next foolish thing, which was a tremendous blessing.  We got pregnant.  It was early in the spring of my last semester and we decided to be open to life.  That meant that we weren’t planning one way or another about children, but rather letting God have the final say in whether and when we should have a family.  There was a possibility we couldn’t have children.  God decided to bless us, which introduced all sorts of new anxieties.  Svetlana was going to quit her job when the pregnancy progressed far enough and I got a job.  We decided that we would live off of my income, and that she would stay at home.  Again – utter foolishness.

I graduated and began the search for work.  I took my first set of actuary exams and got the results on the same day that we went to the OB for an ultrasound.  I failed.  And that closed the doors to the actuarial career at least for the time.  I reached out to my karate instructor to see if I could teach and possibly help manage the school (he had three at the time).  When I called him up, he was just about to offer another guy the job of school manager.  Considering that I was an “insider," it made life easier for him.  So he gave me the job instead.  That was in the summer.

The pay wasn’t great, but we survived.  I took an actuarial exam sort of as a pragmatic measure while I managed the karate school.  That December, my first son was born.  In January, I got word that I passed my exam.  In April, I got an offer to begin work at an actuarial consulting firm.  Money was tight for a while afterwards, but it was good enough.  We had our little family and we knew things were looking up.

Looking back, I see that we were foolish in the world’s eyes on several fronts over the years, but I see time and time again that it has been a blessing.  Getting married young was a blessing.  Not cohabiting before marriage was a blessing.  Having children early and not knowing how it was going to work in the end was a blessing.  And should we be surprised?  This foolishness is a throwing of ourselves on God’s mercy and loving care even when we lack the knowledge of how deep and abiding that love and mercy is.  By having faith in God you won’t necessarily be given a bigger, better house and the like.  No, you’ll be cared for – we were never without – but you will get something more: the grace (that you don’t deserve) to make it through life’s trials unscathed and become a much better person.

I may muse more on marriage over my blogging life.

God bless,

Sven

Doodles from the Cube, 13th ed.

Coloring Outside The Lines

For some reason I was thinking about coloring books this weekend.  I think that it must be the coloring book app that the kids have on their Kindle.  My daughter really loves playing with it and is hounding me to get it on my phone:

“Did you get the coloring book app?” she asks bright-eyed.

“Nope…not yet, Shrimp,” I respond without lifting my eyes from a good old Snood clone on my phone. (Yes, that is her nickname).

“C’mon, you should get it.  It’ll be fun!”

“I’ma...you know…uhhh…hey so what did you do today?” trying to change the subject.

I actually don’t know how those conversations end.  I don’t think that I say that I don’t want the app.  Coloring stuff hasn’t really been my thing.  But the conversation does conjure up thoughts from my childhood.  I started thinking about coloring as a little kindergartner.  Which brings up the first of many characteristics that divide the human race: coloring inside the lines.

Coloring inside the lines has been synonymous with conformity and following the letter of the law just as it is written.  You follow authority because – well they are the authority.  You have to do as they say or else you get in trouble. 

So, if coloring inside the lines is synonymous with conformity, then coloring outside of the lines stands for rebellion.  These are the trouble makers with no thought to authority and social mores.  They sow seeds of confusion and chaos wherever they go.  They thumb nose at authority and welcome the trouble that it brings.

These two views – I am projecting from my own experience of what other folks think – are most prevalent in the world.  If not exactly how I describe, at least a partition of humanity into two categories: conformity and rebellion, yin and yang, Beavis and Stuart.

But I thought about it a little bit more and I don’t really think that you can tell much about a person just by the fact that they do or do not color within the lines.  Especially as kids.

Let’s take for instance kids who color within the lines.  It’s true that the future “yespersons” of the world would probably color neatly inside the lines.  But I don’t think that is everybody.  See, they look at the boundaries on the sheet as the boundaries they should adhere to because someone above them told them so without any evaluation on their part. 

What if someone else took a look at the lines for coloring and instead of taking them as the boundary, evaluated the usefulness of that boundary and in the end agreed with it.  They don’t go with authority because of authority.  They go with authority because they happen to agree with authority.  As kids, these folks would look at a picture and color in the lines if they thought that the coloring page was agreeable to them.  I think that is a very different person than the yesperson.

Complex coloring pages also have several small partitions, and it takes time to color each little one.  To color inside the lines takes either patience or commitment to duty.  Either you take it on because it is a constructive task; you agree that the task provided is worth it. Or you continue with each little detail because this is what you should do; you accept unequivocally that authority should be followed because it is authority.  Within the same group we have a sharp contrast.

Now let’s look at my clan – the color-outside-of-the-liners.  Why does someone color outside of the lines?  Sure there are folks who color outside of the lines in spite of authority as pure rebellion.

But I think that there are folks coloring outside the lines that look at the boundaries as suggestions.  They take a look at the boundaries that someone put up as suggestions for them to take or leave.  And they leave them.  These, I contend – can be closely related to color-in-the-liners that evaluate whether it is a picture worth coloring or not.

Another thing is that for detailed coloring books, the details can overwhelm people.  They take a look at each little detail and decide that the subdivisions are too fine for them to comprehend – they prefer wide expanses.

Or they lack patience, or don’t want to color, or they are spastic - all very possible reasons for not coloring inside the lines.

Nowadays with the prevalence of “geek chic” and the like, I think that people look more favorably on kids who color outside of the lines as if they are an Einstein in the making.  And although maybe the kid who colors outside of the lines might be a big picture person who breaks through boundaries to a greater world on the other side, it could also very well be the kid who colors neatly within the lines because they haven’t seen the coloring page that they didn’t like.  What happens when they see something that they disagree with?

In my humble opinion, I think that the coloring thing tells you if it’s a boy or a girl more than anything else.  Or more accurately, whether they like to color or not.

God bless,

Sven

Living for Heaven

I need to write this out.  I don’t know why, but I feel I am at the cusp of understanding something profound and I need to get to the bottom of it.  I feel depressed and sad and it has to do with this cusp.

Let’s start at the beginning.  We will only be happy when we do what God has asked of us.  However, we will never be fulfilled because we weren’t built to be fulfilled on earth.  There will always be a longing to be fulfilled regardless because our souls are meant for eternity.  But, I believe that we can have peace and joy in that longing when we fix out hearts on God.  This is in stark contrast to the sadness and depression of longing for the things of earth.

When we long for earthly things, we acknowledge at some level that we might not see come to fruition whatever it is we long for.  This is because everything that we want here below (money, honor, and pleasure) are temporary and will eventually fade away.  Therefore, if we think that it will fulfill us, we feel a strong desire to pursue it right away lest it fades away.  Once it fades, we can’t obtain it and feel like we are missing something.  That’s why when our hearts are fixed on something of this earth and it is too far away, we find ourselves at depression’s door.  Or, even if we are successful in our goal, we will soon tire of it and set our heart on another impermanent goal.  Then we wonder if we will ever be fulfilled.  We won’t find peace or joy.

In contrast, Christian longing is one of peace and joy because what we long for, we know will come to fruition.  And unlike the things of earth, it will never fade.  The only requirement is that we need to persevere.  The only goal that matters is for us to be in heaven with God, where our souls were meant to be.  We secure this by doing God’s will for our individual lives and entrusting our numerous failings to God’s mercy.  Setting our hearts on God and trusting in His mercy, we know with certainty that we will be fulfilled.  It is then a matter of when, not if.

However, even with the best of intentions, if we hold onto desires for things of this earth, we will struggle with sadness, depression, and emptiness.  In short, if there is any sinful desire comingled with our heavenly goal, these negative emotions will come to roost.

Back to our case study: I have stated that I am on a journey to unjobbing from the corporate world.  Why?  Because I feel that this is God’s will for me. At least I say it is.  The thing is, I say it is because I have made observations about my proclivities and talents and came to a rational conclusion.  However, there is a part of the equation that I didn’t state.  I have earthly reasons for unjobbing.  Sinful reasons that hold me back from doing it with joy.

When I say sinful, it is not the salacious type sin that we see in the press.  In fact it is the sin that is celebrated on earth even among the most “upstandingest” of citizens.  It is a craving of human respect and the pride that fuels. 

When I look at my work as a musician or as a blogger (the only two public unjobs that I currently do), I do struggle with the utter lack of listeners or readers.  It feels flat not having people tell me that it is good or that I made a difference in their lives.  The only people that I hear anything like that from (and I do appreciate it) are my wife, my children, and my wife’s extended family.  I don’t hear anything like that from my own family of origin.  And I definitely don’t hear that from strangers.  Except every now and again about some of my sketches during earnings calls and the like.

I am sad and depressed because of the lack of respect from people.  But what I should be more concerned about is what does God think of this?  People and fancies come and go; God is eternal.  God does not care if what I have done is done to a certain standard only that I have done what He asks.  He might call me to paint, and I may live my whole life in obscurity, and I die.  My work may never ever be given any acclamation even after my death.  But if I did it for God, then I won the only praise I need. 

It is tough.  People are all around us.  The worldly call to fame and fortune is on everyone’s lips, every TV, every radio, every song – everywhere.  God is silent.  It is hard to reassure ourselves of our hearts desire if it gets drowned out by noise.  That’s why prayer is necessary for us.

In terms of unjobbing, what does this mean?  I need to do what God is asking me to do right now, without question.  Considering I still have a corporate job, I need to do that.  Considering that I have the time and the drive to create, I need to do that.  I need to stay in prayer about both of these so that I know when or if I need to make a change in either.  It is possible that I will never make it out of the corporate world.  And if that is God’s plan, I need to be OK with that, or I will see more sadness and depression (and an extended stay in purgatory). 

Basically, God could call me to scoop poop for the rest of my life for meager pay, and for the sake of my soul, I need to accept it.  And in so doing, I will find joy and peace because no longer will the sinful desires of the world be hooked into my flesh.  No, I will be living for heaven.

Before ending off, and I feel that I need to add this, by being unknown, God has delivered me from a cross that I might not be able to bear, at least not yet and maybe ever.  Human respect carries with it a force that can change the most sincere of hearts and corrupt the most pure.  For us to go through life without an iota of honor or a penny to our name and be at peace – imagine how sweet heaven will be.  Woe to those that are exalted on the earth and bestowed treasure – for their path to heaven is increasingly narrow.

I am glad that I am going to adoration this afternoon – I’ve got a lot on my mind.

God bless,

Sven

Doodles from the Cube, 12th ed.

Fear

As I trudge ahead in this journey to unjobbing, I am coming to terms with fear, what causes fear, and the effect that fear has in my life.  Fear, like any emotion, can be a catalyst for good or evil.  So, I am going to just play with this idea a little bit and see if anything comes up.  Warning, this might not make any sense.

Let’s start with a rather easy scenario: drawing a picture.  I have at my desk a stack of blank paper (well blank on one side – misprinted actuarial exhibit fodder on the back).  I have pens.  But, I am often hesitant to draw in fear of a “bad” drawing.  Bad in quality, not bad as in evil mind you.  I wonder how many drawings and scribbles have not come to be because of fear.

Now fear can come in many different flavors.

How about fear of rejection?  I have mentioned that I have a long history of rejection when it comes to music.  I currently have about six hours of music and compositions out on a social site with several hours of completed music offline.  I have written tons of music and continue to write tons more.  But I don’t promote it.  Why?  Fear of rejection.  For me, to present a piece of art to someone is, in a way, to present a part of my soul.  When I throw it out there and it is rejected, it hurts.  It is much easier emotionally to just create for those that appreciate it, such as my family, and not chance that rejection.  At least in the short run.

What about fear of regret?  I mean that is fueling this whole blog – I fear that I will regret the decision to not give blogging a shot.  Or unjobbing.  I don’t want to be on my deathbed regretting the decision not to try something because I was afraid of failure.  There is fear again, but it’s on the other side as my adversary.

Ah, the fear of failure.  In an effort to mitigate regret and possible unfulfilment at the end of my days, I need to take a chance.  Let’s take for example my novel.  Ohh – better yet – leaving the corporate world for unjobbing.  What if in spite of my best efforts, nothing takes off and I am left with the feeling that I wasted great swaths of my life working in a cube and I never succeeded in finally breaking free. 

If I look at it objectively and practically, it isn’t a bad thing if I worked the rest of my life as an actuary.  I provide well for my family and children.  I have set hours and can plan vacation.  I can give a lot of money charitably to others to make the world a better place.  Really, it’s not that bad of a deal.  Why risk losing it?  Why try and possibly live north of destitution being an artist and introduce a whole host of other fears.  Wouldn’t it be better to just give up the whole unjobbing thing?

Which leads into the fear of unfulfilment.  I think that every single human being strives for fulfilment in this life in the way they feel is best.  For many, they look for tangible things in this world to find fulfilment – pleasures, riches, honors, power and the like.  For a few, they look to intangible things – love, friendship, family, a spiritual connection with God.  At the end of my life, will I happily go into that dark night, or will there be a pang of unfulfilment?

So now we have a conflict:  pursue unjobbing in pursuit of fulfilment (note that neither of those is certain) or forego that risk for the certain (or near certain) life of remaining in corporate America.  In economics, any possible profit from a decision needs to be compared to the cost of choosing not to pursue another decision.  To evaluate the decision to forego unjobbing and to stick to being an actuary, I have to estimate what I am giving up.  In terms of material wealth and the like, it’s hard to say: there are tons of people that just scrape by unjobbing.  On the flip side, for those that make it big, there is a possibility of significant wealth.  In the end, I don’t care about making it big, I just want to provide.

A character from one of the Redwall books my
daughter requested me to sketch for her.

But the real kicker is this:  by attempting to unjob, I am giving life to ideas that would not otherwise come to life.  If I do not try blogging, or novel writing, or making music, or anything other than being a good little cog in the corporate machinery – I could miss out on an opportunity to change the world.  Why change the world?  Because it can be a much better place.  And if more people took a chance to make it a better place it would be worth it.

I think that I gave myself a pep talk somewhere in there and I do feel a little better about taking on this journey.  I still have my own personal boundaries to tear down to go forward, but I feel more resolved.

I’m going to go pick up a pen and draw something.

God bless,

Sven