My Lord God, I have no
idea where I am going.
I do not see the road
ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know
myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I
am actually doing so.
But I believe that the
desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
And I know that if I
do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust
you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not
fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils
alone.
-
Thomas
Merton, OCSO
 |
| Monastery of Our Lady of the Holy Spirit, Conyers, GA |
The above prayer was the subject for a wonderful
cross-stitch that hung on the wall outside of the retreat master’s
office/confessional at the Monastery of Our Lady of the Holy Spirit in Conyers,
Georgia. Whew what a sentence! Anyway – I think that they also had little
prayer cards they gave away at the gift shop as well. I’ve read it and prayed it many times. And in times of great perturbation, I received
much solace in this prayer.
As much as we think that we are the masters of our own
destiny, the fact is that we just aren’t.
We cannot even begin to hope to understand the myriad of perils and
blessings hidden in each moment of every day.
And if we soldier on with only our own understanding, we are sure to
miss some perils and gain some blessings – but not everything.
I began this journey with the clear purpose of shedding my
corporate exoskeleton and embracing an unjobbing life. As I have waded through, I see that the water
is murkier than I first thought. There
are so many ways to quit Corporate America, or to unjob, or to finally be who I
am – and it is that latter goal that I have to follow. What good is “sticking it to the man” if it
fails in my very purpose? And what if my
real purpose is to be in Corporate America and that I haven’t found my niche
yet? I could really be selling myself
short if I don’t pursue the right opportunities. But on the flip side – maybe it will be
devastating to further pursue Corporate America. Maybe by taking that new shiny job, I further
ensnare my soul and waste precious life, even if I did with the intention of
freeing my soul.
I am coming up to a fork in the road. I feel underworked and overpaid where I
am. I feel that I have a lot of time on
my hands, that I feel shouldn’t be there.
Is that a blessing? Or a
curse? I have these pangs of guilt when
I am not fully worked in my work place, sort of like I am cheating the
company. But on the other hand – I
finish everything plenty on time and at a quality at least as high as my
colleagues. I ask for more work, and I
still only get table scraps. So, I
write. Or draw. I work on the work that I feel I must do –
the work that the creative Sven must do in order to survive in the hopes that
one day, yes one day, I can just be creative.
On the horizon looms an opportunity in Corporate America. I am interviewing for a company for a
position that is right smack dab in a field of study in which I am most
interested. Although the surface looks
promising, there are several unknowns.
It will be a 15 hour drive away from here – 7 hours closer to my family of
origin though. It is in a city that is
well known as one of the worst cities to live in in the US. Given my incredible work-life balance here –
tipped way over to the life side – am I going to hope to get a better deal?
Or is it possible that I will fall back in love with being
an actuary given that I’m doing the right thing in the right place? I don’t know.
None of these questions do I know answers to, and what’s worse – I don’t
even know how to begin. That is where the
Thomas Merton prayer comes in.
In the end, I want to be what God made me to be. Nothing more.
Nothing less. I landed into this
profession after a period of intense prayer and I have to say that it has been
a blessing in many regards. Either
taking this job or staying where I am is fraught with possible blessings or
curses. All I know is that I want to do
God’s will and I pray that He makes it abundantly clear, because in the end, I
have no hope in being who I truly am without Him showing the way.
God bless,
Sven
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