And then, when you least expect it, you get an answer. Not only when but how. Wow, oh wow, we got an answer.
To give a little bit of flavor to the situation, I currently work as an actuary in a position that is a little more than manual processes and keeping up with a rather antiquated status quo. There is not much (if anything) in terms of innovation and in need of intuitive insights. I am beginning to think that this is typical of Corporate America. But what the work lacked, it made up for in time for me to do my own thing - both at work and outside of work.
Now, the opportunity that I was looking at would be different. It would be in a field that I like, and plenty of work to build and use my intuitive sense on a daily basis. It was what I could see as my best bet at being happy in Corporate America. But, would I have as much time to pursue writing, music, and other purely creative endeavors? I didn't know, but I was sure to ask.
So the choice was: stay in subpar work environment and leverage time for creative endeavors or pursue meaningful work in Corporate America at the possible expense of creative endeavors. Wow - it looks clearer when I put it that way! But the thing is, I deferred my choice to God knowing that He knew what was best for me. Did He make me to be an actuary?
The answer to my dilemma came when my wife dropped this bombshell: about five minutes from my prospective work there was a landfill that housed nuclear waste from the Manhattan project (you know, when they were making the nuclear bomb in the 40s). That wasn't as much a problem as the next bit. Less than a thousand feet from the nuclear waste dump was a subterranean fire - you read that right, an underground fire, and it was approaching the nuclear waste. There is no telling what will happen when the fire does reach it, but it will probably spread radiation all over the place.
Given reports of high infant mortality, higher incidence of cancer in the area, the answer was clear. There was no way that I would be at peace there, worrying about the safety of my family. So, I had the rather awkward job of telling my recruiter that I would not pursue the opportunity, that I could not feel comfortable about moving near a place like that.
Oddly enough, that awkward part of telling them no right then and there was the most difficult thing. I have a tendency to think against the grain, but acting against the grain is harder. I am quite empathetic, so I project the feelings of judgment and rejection on others, even those that I have not met. I was on the phone for twenty minutes with my recruiter who was trying to reason and persuade me to reconsider. It would have been much easier emotionally to just do the interview than to go through the turmoil of turning it down before I interviewed. This was on Friday, and only now, Monday, am I on a better emotional balance.
But I learned some things through this experience:
- God's plan is for us to be here for right now. This might be a couple of months or couple of years.
- The time that I can leverage from my work now is a blessing and that I should use it to the full while I'm here. I may never been in an opportunity like this again.
- It reaffirms that God hears prayer and answers them, as long as we work at listening with an open heart. If I was not open to the possibility that this might not be the opportunity for me, I don't think that I would have made the sound decision to keep my family safe.
- And lastly, making a decision on your beliefs that makes you look like a kook is never easy, but you will get better sleep in the long run.
God bless,
Sven
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