I am struggling with serving two masters. The term “two masters” comes from Jesus’
statement about serving God and wealth.
One cannot serve both because we will hate one and love the other, or
vice versa. For me, my two masters are
my current job and my “unjobbing.” My
current job provides well for my needs, and I owe it to the company to give my
dead level best because that is why they hired me – to give them my best at
that job. So it is clear why I must be
loyal and serve this master the best that I’m able.
But then I start to think of my unjobbing journey as a
freewheeling artist who is true to himself.
I feel a deep sense of loyalty to this master because it’s me. And here lies my issue – because of my loyalty
to my artistic side, I begin to resent my current job. I feel that it is unfairly robbing the time
and energy that my artistic self deserves because it holds over me food, water,
shelter, security – the materials for survival.
I simply can’t survive without being an actuary right now. And not just my survival, but my family’s
survival is at stake as well. I can’t abandon this job.
But, on the other hand, I can’t really abandon the
freewheeling artist either. That is what
I am and no matter how I try to suppress it (which I have tried!), that artist
finds his way out. As much as I need
material goods for survival, I need to be true to myself for life.
So, I need both. Is
there a way that I can serve both masters and be at peace? I think so.
I’m slowly working on that perfect balance, but this is what I have
found out so far.
First thing is that I agreed to work my current job. I made a promise that I would provide them
the best that I could in the work that I do for the company. Because I made that promise, I need to make
good on that promise. So, my work day will
first be consumed with what needs to be done at the company. This isn’t the bare minimum; it is the best actuarial
work that I can do. As an artist I
want to be true to myself, which means being true to my word. Then, the time outside of work is clearly where
I need to find dedicated time to be an artist.
Even though my dedicated time as an artist is outside of
work, that doesn’t mean that I cannot work on being an artist at work. There are opportunities.
The most obvious is in between the ebbs and flows of work as
an actuary. Some periods are really
intense with lots to do, and therefore little time to do anything else. And others are very slow, with little to do
and free time on your hands. Usually
office rats will take to the internet when the work flow is ebbing. Instead of wasting that time, I focus instead
on writing a blog post (which is what I am doing right now). Or on a drawing. I can’t see myself working on a piece of
music, but maybe write a couple of lines of lyrics. Really anything that I can put down rather
easily just in case my job demands my expertise.
Secondly are explicit opportunities at work. I have volunteered as a copy editor for a
professional magazine to get some exposure to writing and editing in the real
world. There are opportunities to do
presentations, which is a great opportunity to practice public performance.
Lastly is that being an artist can be a wonderful support
for my work life during the day. It is a
Yin-Yang type of a deal. Being an actuary
at times is very thought-intensive and at times requires a good measure of
mental rest between tasks continuing. Doodling
is a wonderful pastime for just such occasions, in moderation. But it can easily slip
into compulsive doodling which could be harmful to my current job.
I think this was good for me to write out. Sometimes until I actually write something
out, I don’t quite grasp all of the ins and outs of the situation. I think in my case it is a matter of
priorities and an understanding that eventually I must serve only one master.
God bless,
Sven
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